Managing anxiety with Anna Mathur

Everyone needs to be aware of their own mental health even if they are not pregnant or looking after a new baby.  

However, pregnancy is a time of uncertainty and anxiety and it’s understandable that emotions will be running high for both mothers and fathers. During the Coronavirus pandemic this anxiety may have been even more heightened. 

We spoke to psychotherapist and author Anna Mathur about how to manage anxiety during and after your pregnancy. Anna had postnatal depression after the birth of her second child and hopes sharing her experiences will help support other parents.

In her words she says “I can’t encourage everyone else to be open and vulnerable if I am a closed book”. 

She shared some coping mechanisms with us and provided reassurance that although anxiety is common, it doesn’t have to be your normal.

“Recognise that anxiety comes from when our brains are too busy”

We are so fixated on the baby in our tummy or our young children that we forget that we have our own mental health to look after.

When you are preparing for your baby’s birth it is easy to become overwhelmed with all of the information you can read. Try not to become destabilised by this by making sure you are getting your information from the right people and places.

Learn to recognise that anxiety comes from when our brain is too busy and our thoughts get out of control. Try to bring your mind back from 100 miles into the future.

If you find yourself saying “but what if this happens?” and thinking of worse case scenarios then try to use techniques to stop that cycle of overthinking.

You want be able to enjoy what is happening in the present and not be worrying about the future.

A technique could be counting back from 100 in 3s or saying a manta like “I will cross that bridge IF we get to it”.

Humans have more resilience and ability to make it through challenging times than we ever get credit for. We’ve already crossed lots of bridges to get to this point so we will find the resources and support to get through whatever hurdles we will face in the future.

“Extend the compassion you so easily give away to friends and family to yourself”

We always view things through the lens of our current mood so if you’re feeling down you will seek out things which will enforce that.

Remember that what you see on social media will only be showing a small part of a whole picture. We are so much more likely to be comparing ourselves to the area we are surviving in, as opposed to the area we are thriving in. 

We all have limited resources so you might be thriving at work but your relationship might be suffering. You need to be easy on yourself and be compassionate. Try not to beat yourself up for not having done something better, stronger or faster.

Don’t invalidate your feelings by comparing yourself with other people’s situations. If you shame yourself for your feelings you won’t be able to deal with them.

Let it be.

‘Guilt is there to prompt us, not to shame us’

We will always feel like we are failing at something. There is always guilt in parenthood, which is completely unjustified. We are often shaming and punishing ourselves for stuff we haven’t even done wrong such as your baby’s birth or how you choose to feed your baby.

This guilt then causes your self-esteem goes down and we start to believe we don’t deserve good things. We need to let ourselves off the hook for a lot of things which are more about circumstance rather than choice. It’s not your fault if your baby has reflux and doesn’t sleep or that some days you’re too tired to be doing stimulating things with your children. 

Acknowledge that you feel guilty but try to work out why you feel guilty. Can you use this guilt as a prompt to tweak something in your behaviour? If you are using your phone too much, then check on yourself and put it down to play with your child. If you feel like you shout too much around your children then work out some techniques to stop doing that.

Anna’s top three tips for dealing with anxiety:

1)     Find a mantra for example “feelings aren’t facts”

2)     Breathing - engage in some breathing exercises, perhaps use any hypnobirthing techniques you’ve learnt to calm down your fight or flight response.

3)     Be kind to yourself. Think about how you would respond to someone you love or your child and treat yourself the same way.

:: Anna’s new book is called Mind Over Mother: Every mum's guide to worry and anxiety in the first year. Follow her @annamathur