Sex and Relationships

When you are pregnant it is a hugely exciting time for you and your partner and understandably your main focus is going to be on the arrival of your new baby. There are so many things to think about and prepare that it can be easy to forget that your relationship with your partner may also be affected. It will no longer be just be the two of you and this can put pressure on you as a couple in many ways. The physical changes your body goes through can also affect your emotions and confidence and you will need support from those closest to you.

We spoke to psychosexual therapist Tracey who was able to address some key concerns about sex and relationships during this time:

What relationship challenges might occur during and after pregnancy?

Having a baby is a huge event for every couple and it’s normal for your relationship to feel different afterwards.

You will experience a range of emotions. You might feel anxious about whether there will be enough time for just the two of you. There could be resentment from your partner if you’re giving all of your attention to your baby. Equally, there could be resentment towards your partner if you feel you’re not getting the support and attention you need after going through the pregnancy and birth.

Sex and intimacy can obviously be an issue for some couples. During pregnancy you may feel too heavy or tired to want to have sex. After the birth you may be sore if you had a caesarean or stitches and these will take time to recover from. You will also be adjusting to what your body looks like after carrying your baby. It is natural for these things to affect your self-confidence and how you feel about yourself.

After the birth of your baby you will be coping not only with a rush of hormones but also sleep deprivation. This combination is likely to mean that intimacy and sex are the last things on your mind.

In all of these instances the best thing to do is just keep talking. Tell your partner if you need support and what they can do to help.

How do you know when it’s the right time to have sex again after having a baby?

There is no right time but it is important to take your time.

The most important thing is to not feel pressured into having sex if you’re not feeling physically or emotionally ready. You’re likely to be exhausted and your body won’t feel like your body for many months.

You might not know what your partner is thinking about sex and your body so try to keep communicating with each other about what you’re each feeling. There might be other things you can do to bridge the gap of desire and to reconnect. This could be having dinner together, having a nap together and there are other ways to touch each other sensually.

Don’t force yourself to have sex. It is a short period of your lives, when your baby is a newborn, so wait a bit if doesn’t feel like the right time.

I have low body image after having my baby and I’m worried what my partner thinks

Your body goes through so many changes and some people think it may go back to what it was before after you’ve had your baby. On the one hand you might feel like your stretch marks and scars are a badge of honour after carrying and birthing you baby but they can also be very hard to adjust to. Again, take your time, especially after a c-section. It takes months and months to go back to how you were before and for many women their bodies may never be the same.

Try to reconnect with your body by looking at yourself naked in a mirror and thinking about what it’s been through. Look at your scars with a hand mirror. It can be hard to feel comfortable about other people looking at you if you’re not comfortable with your body yourself.

Your partner has also gone through all of these changes and will also be difficult for them when their partner doesn’t want to be held or touched. 

Speak to them about what specifically they are missing. It might not be sex, it could just be physical closeness which can be addressed through other types of sensual touch such as a massage.

It may not feel very spontaneous or sexy but some couples like schedule in time for intimacy. It is easy to put these things off but if you have both made time to be together it can help make it more enjoyable.

Is it normal to feel ‘touched out’ when breastfeeding?

Yes, you are getting all of the fill from your baby and the cuddles with them so it’s normal to not feel like you want more touching from your partner. If you are constantly holding a baby all of your ‘cuddle time’ can get used up. That is why scheduling something in can be important.

Try to help your partner understand why you don’t want to be touched or have sex right now. Remember that the situation will change. This is hard to see when you’re in the throes of newborn madness but things will get easier when you start to get your evenings back and the baby is napping reliably.

What do I do if I feel like my partner is pushing me away since she had our baby?

Speak to her about how she is feeling and see if you can both communicate about what you want and what you make things easier.

She may be feeling resentful if she is feeding the baby all of the time and not having any time to herself. She may be feeling lonely if she is at home with the baby while you are at work. All of these things can affect emotions and put pressure on a relationship. Make sure you are both telling each other how you are feeling and don’t let any resentment build up as this will make things worse.

If your baby is only three months old give things a bit more time to improve. But if your baby is six to 12 months old and things are still bad then seek some help.

I’ve put on so much weight since I’ve had a baby I’m too embarrassed to be naked

This is very common and feeling uncomfortable with your body is normal. Maybe try to let go of that idea of what you should look like and try to be happy with how you do look. Check in with your partner as they will be able to reassure you that they love you just how you are.

I’m scared of having sex while I’m pregnant

There is no reason why you can’t have sex while you are pregnant, unless you have been given specific advice by a medical professional. If you have worries about penetration then focus on other forms of sensual touch. Talk to your midwife as they will know your medical history and will be happy to talk to you openly about these things. They are used to intimate conversations so will answer any questions you have and put your mind at rest.

I’m worried about pain during sex after having my baby

When you have some time to yourself and some privacy, have a look at yourself with a hand mirror.  Explore your body with your fingers, use a lubricant, and see how it feels, what feels sore and what is sensitive. If you’re anxious about pain then just focus on giving and receiving pleasure without penetrative sex. Give yourself time to explore what feels different.

Hormonal changes will mean that your vagina is more dry during sex so you may need a heavy-duty lubricant.

If you are having persistent pain go and see your GP.

I’m experiencing some jealousy that my husband fusses over our baby more than me

It is a real adjustment to go from two to three. You need to be honest with your partner about how you feel and make sure you do make time and space for each other. Try to spend that baby-free time not talking about the baby, which is easier said than done!

How do you manage a low libido after having a baby?

Your hormones will be a big factor after the birth and your libido will naturally be a lot lower than before. Lubrication can be an issue as your vagina may not feel the same. Sex before having a baby might have been spontaneous but it can be harder to find the time and energy after. If the physical desire is not there then try touching first and the desire will usually follow.

How do you ‘baby proof’ your relationship?

Every relationship is different and it’s impossible to protect it entirely from being affected by having a new baby but here are a few tips:

Communication - don’t assume that your partner thinks the same way that you do.

Understanding - try to anticipate how things will be and discuss how you will handle them together as a team so that resentments don’t build up.

Adapt and amend - keep talking to each other so you know how you’re both feeling. Things will change as your baby grows and there will be new and different challenges.

:: For more information about Tracey go to http://www.eastlondonrelationshiptherapy.co.uk/ and follow her at @e_l_r_t